I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
