I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
