non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
