You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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