i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
