I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He shit in the fireplace
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
