Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
