i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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