so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
