im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
