turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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