when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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