I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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