I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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