We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
