Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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