I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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