clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
