Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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