How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
