I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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