Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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