I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
