Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
