I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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