Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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