The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
