perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
