I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
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Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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