mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
