A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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