Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
