I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
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you inspire me to be a worse person
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
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Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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