From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
