if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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