My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
