Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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