I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we made out on top of his cat.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
