I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
