Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
