there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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