I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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