I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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