im drinking this country out of the recession.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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