I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
