some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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