I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
