Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
