ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
