Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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