He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
