apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
