I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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