He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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