I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
