I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
