I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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