then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
