I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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