I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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