why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
