Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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