guys are not supposed to queef...right?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
